Third post

The imperfect rug that was to be my future source of income was pulled out from under me.

The French Teaching Assistantship program emailed me my rejection letter on April 6. (I found out about it on April 25, an extra month of unnecessary worry since I applied in November.)

I was disappointed and a bit surprised that I didn’t get the job, which would have been a 20 hour, 750 euro, a week teaching position in a French elementary, intermediate, or high school assisting the English and cultural studies.

Disappointed because I want to live in France to experience the culture, learn the language and use it as a base to travel other European countries; surprised because I applied for a position a year ago and was accepted into an academy in Toulouse, France, but I rejected the placement in favor of my year of traveling with Katie.
Had I gotten the job I wouldn’t be much better off because I’m not qualified, nor interested, in teaching. Being a teacher was a means to do all the traveling and generate some income in France, a country I’ve been interested in my entire life with one of two languages I studied in school (Spanish being the second).

So although it had little to potential of being perfect, at least it was a plan. Now the future is completely unknown and I’m afraid, albeit a bit excited, about the possibilities. However, other than working as an Au pair, the options are limited. I’m not fluent in anything but English and I really have no qualifications for a career. I managed to make it 22 years skill less, with little going for me than a friendly disposition and a optimistic attitude. As of right now I wouldn’t even be qualified to be a waitress or a barista in France (or any country unwilling to train me).

This bleak realization terrifies and depresses me. What am I going to do? What can I do?

Ultimately I’d like to find something I want to do that can earn me money, but discovering desirable work has been a source of constant worry for my entire life (maybe not when I was five, but as soon as I come to realize everyone has to earn money to live.)

I’ve pursued many job path, although I’ve never given 100 percent of my effort because I’ve yet to find a pursuit I was very passionate about or at least not wrought with doubts, so mostly I’m treading water without committing to a direction. Landing, or sticking, in a job I hate terrifies me, and allowing misunderstood dreams and talents to evaporate (I believe everyone has a purpose and special talents.) seems breaking beyond recovery. Around every corner could be the clue to revealing a career that would bring me the greatest joy and satisfaction. So, I’m stalling, and most of the time just avoiding, commitment. Maybe the French could feel my insincerity.

It’s not that I don’t understand the necessity of work, and I like to think I’ve done my fair share of unwanted occupations.

I’ve toiled through every menial job that high school and struggling college student endure, but I’ve also applied to more “adult” or “long-term” positions with the Peace Corps, Americorps, French Teaching Assistantship Program, Ohio University Communication and Marketing department.

About one year ago I was pursuing all these opportunities, as well as exploring the possibility of traveling around the world for a year with Katie, and wondering if I should do something with my hard-earned journalism degree.

While these ideas were percolating, my deadlines were passing by unattended. Some I worked on for two years before running away from the opportunity because they wanted me to have six months of community development experience or better language skills and I felt unfit for the challenge (or rather the commitment).

Whether I find work I adore or not the bottom line is I have to start generating an income.

Upon reassessing the situation (my resume if you will) here is where I stand: I’m a 22-year-old female with no skills. I have a degree in magazine journalism that is basically worth less than the ink on my diploma because I don’t have the desire or talent to make it in the industry. Acquiring my degree has put me $20,000 in dept (and rising thanks to the interest) – extra salt in the wound. I enjoy traveling, dancing, horseback riding, food (cooking and eating), reading, films, yoga, learning (my interests are short lived and my attention span even shorter), and any adventure and outdoor activity man has created. I see little potential in finding a career that encompasses one of the above mentioned interests, nor do I feel I could devote myself to developing one into a career path.

I wish I were someone who could accept the past and move on, but when I look at my present circumstances it’s hard not to have regrets.

I wish I had worked harder in school and actually learned something instead of working for a grade. I wish I had started thinking earlier about what I want to do and not what others wanted me to do, and I wish I’d discovered how to love myself and honor my personal happiness without external praise and approval.

This sounds depressing, and I should mention that I’m writing this after just hearing the rejection, but this is a sad situation I’ve been thinking about since I walked across a stage wearing a tasseled cap and white gown almost one year ago.
Regardless of how bleak things look, I willingly admit that I have (past and present) a great and very very blessed life. I have a wonderful family who loves me despite not understanding me, and my friends are an invaluable support system that has helped carry me through obstacles I couldn’t have managed alone.

So no matter what happens I have plenty of people to fall back on – and places to live – until I can get my act, somewhat, together.

A working world awaits me…good thing I’m in the middle of the ocean and can’t actually act until I get off the boat