Fourth Post: Finances

I’ve been reviewing my finances this morning- I printed off my bank statements before the boat trip – and it’s an ugly and disappointing picture. I’ve spent 3x what I planned to spend and made back a fraction of what I expected to make from working in New Zealand.

In cold hard numbers that means I’ve spent $3,124.27 in eight months, and I expected to spend a third of that over the course of twelve months. (I won’t need to spend any money until June 1 when I leave Kevin’s boat for Bali, Indonesia. For now I have no expenses.)

My book-keeping skills are terrible because I avoid doing things I don’t want to do, like my finances. I’m much better at spending money and leading a life of instant gratification than I am at saving money and sticking to a budget that limits my “fun”.

Because I haven’t kept a close eye on my pocketbook I’ve let many little expenditures go unnoticed…they add up.

My only saving grace has come from the deposits made by my family and the government. Thank you for the birthday and Christmas money and the tax returns! Because of their generosity my total loss is $2,253.12, which is a better, but not ideal, sum.

I’m not exposing my financial situation in hopes of handouts, but to explain the reality of my situation and one of my biggest stresses: money. It controls my every move and is always heavy on my mind. Everything costs more than I expect it to. I make mistakes that are costly and I indulge myself too often.

My biggest problem is I have a hard time facing reality and making changes. Even right now as I write this I’m struggling with myself. I don’t want to be doing this because if I see the problem then I’m responsible for finding and executing a solution, which inevitable means making changes.

My head is beginning to hurt and my eyes are growing heaving. “Take a rest, lay down, and come back to this later,” a voice inside is encouraging. But I know that “later” is the only time that never arrives. This is the same voice that convinces me that I deserve every indulgence I make with no consideration for moderation.

I have an incredible intolerance for doing things I don’t want to do, especially the things that will benefit (usually in the long run) like spending frugally/ sticking to a budget, exercising (even when it’s hot or cold) and eating healthy and in moderation (no matter how much I love chocolate).

Ironically I have an incredibly high tolerance for doing things that other people want me to do or putting up with what others inflict on me such as listening to unwanted noise or traveling by means or to a location not of my choosing. Sure I will ride an uncomfortable bus for 30 hours while the girl next to me tells me her whole life and I will smile through the whole excruciating process, but not buying the sarong I want or not eating the extra sticky rice and mango I crave is unbearable.